Five Ways to Be Angry, Black & Beautiful

Hey there, Black woman. Since the media refuses to allow you to live your life without picking at your emotional scars and waving a spinster flag in your face every other internet post, let’s revel in our society-induced anger and focus on an all too important part of our lives – cosmetics.

1. Nothing says “f**k you, pay me” like a bold eyeliner. While you’re out being totally unapproachable (you know, sitting at a party, smiling, making eye contact, wearing appropriate-length attire, sans desperation, being normal), line those lids with Tarte’s…whoops, you blinked and that potential suitor has been snatched up by a woman exhibiting all of the behaviors your mother warned you about. Better luck next time. That product was Tarte’s Indelible Wink Liquid Liner.

2. Red. Ah, the color of the coveted bottom of that Christian Louboutin heel that you’ve been accused of using to step all over a Black man’s heart. Lavish those mouthy lips with Covergirl Queen’s Paint the Town. It’s a lovely red lipstick that isn’t too virginal or too “hot whore on a Saturday night.” It’s perfect – just like you’re expected to be.

3. Of course you’ll need a flawless face to compete with hoes, whom I’ve learned, “be winning.” Try Natura Bisse’ C+C Vitamin Scrub to get yourself photoshop ready. Your natural, human features won’t be tolerated.

4. You’ll need an aggressive, bright nail polish for those nagging, finger-pointing hands. Ginger + Liz’s “Swagger” nail lacquer perfectly accommodates your self-righteous attitude, which you cleverly mask with confidence, self-worth, hard work and love. You little trickster, you…

5. Lastly, you absolutely must have a line of magical hair products in your torture chamber (home). Whether you’re natural or relaxed, you must remember that it should always blow in the wind like you’re belting out “Dangerously In Love.” What good is your hair if it doesn’t look like it came from someone else’s scalp? Seek the power of Jane Carter Solutions. Magic wand sold separately.

Paid for by the sponsors of Suck It, Society.Inc.

~Kimberly

 

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